Things Worse Than Coffee
by Loves-Chihuahuas
Summary: Matsuda refuses to be the coffee guy anymore, but there are things that need to be done that are much worse than coffee... Dear Lord, WHAT did they expect him to do? One shot. No pairings. Rated T. Beware the funny...


_**Things Worse Than Coffee**_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, nor do I own a small squirrel—they're all large around these here parts .….…

**Important Info:** This takes place around the middle of Light's confinement. Aizawa and Mogi have crashed, and are sleeping in the room talked about. Mr. Yagami, of course, is in his own cell, as are Misa and Light.

…Please don't kill me for my disturbing mind. O.O'

_**Things Worse Than Coffee**_

_Subtitle: …Really, I'd rather not_

Matsuda was furious, which was a rare enough emotion for him, but when coupled with a newfound hatred for caffeine, it was downright distressing. What was causing this oddly angsty mood to descend upon the normally sweet and happy Matsuda Touta? Why, it was coffee, of course.

Not being the brightest crayon in the box and all too eager to please, soon after joining the Kira investigation squad he was asked to retrieve coffee for the famous detective, L. Of course, he readily did so, and thereafter was relied upon not only by L, but the entire taskforce, to bring them their caffeine fix, no matter the hour of the day. It hadn't been too bad, being the one to get coffee—he liked coffee, and it was better than sitting around in a stupor.

It was when Light was held in confinement by L, however, that things went downhill for poor Matsuda. Insisting that not only he, but the entire team, watch the two Kira suspects, there was a tripling in the order for coffee from the exhausted Matsuda. He was now sick of coffee; he _reeked _of it to the point where L once tried to drink from his tie, thinking it was a cu of strong coffee. Commonly referred to now as 'the coffee guy' around the admittedly subdued workplace instead of his given name, Matsuda decided that enough was enough.

The haggard officer finally made his displeasure known one day in the midst of Light's confinement, when L asked him for maple syrup and chocolate chips in his espresso.

"You know what?" Matsuda finally snapped at the detective sitting on the couch next to him, "I don't think it's fair that I have to get you guys your god-awful coffee, so I won't anymore!" He folded his arms across his chest, resolute even as the pale detective turned his orb-like eyes on him.

"Is that so?" L questioned emotionlessly, not seeming upset at all, though that hardly meant anything; the man never showed his emotions to others, and it was often speculated that he in fact did not possess any.

Matsuda puffed out his chest and replied loudly, "Yeah! Got a problem with it?"

L placed his thumb on his lip and rejoined monotonously, "Not particularly, but you will, once I fire you."

Matsuda balked and exclaimed in a whiny voice, all courage and swagger evaporating along with the thought of his paycheck, "B-But _why_?!"

L answered easily, "Because you would then be essentially costing the investigation more than you contribute."

Matsuda wracked his brains for a moment in a desperate attempt to keep his job and throw off the mantel of 'the coffee guy.' He finally had an epiphany, and asked desperately, "Fine, how about giving me some other job?"

He watched with bated breath as the detective seemingly considered it. Looking back at the goofy officer, L stated monotonously, "I have a proposition for you to keep your job. Would you like to hear it?"

Matsuda nodded violently, and L continued robotically, "To stay in my employ and on the Kira case, you can either continue in your coffee duties," Matsuda shook his head even more forcefully in the negative, his floppy hair whipping around like a cocker spaniel's ears.

L continued, ignoring the adorable display, "…or, you can attend to Light-kun catheters*."

Matsuda stood stock-still, gazing open-mouthed at the stoic detective. "Y-you're kidding, right? I t-thought Watari-san did that." he said weakly.

L's black eyes bored intimidating into his own as he deadpanned, "I never kid, Matsuda-san, and Watari has more important things to do than change Light-kun's catheters."

Matsuda shivered, torn—remain the nameless, wimpy, angst-filled, girlfriendless coffee-guy who had to work at all hours of the day and night, or simply change Light's catheters (urinary and anal) twice a day?

Stiffening his resolve, Matsuda drew himself up and declared, "Alright, I'll do it—I'll be the one who, uhm, helps Light-kun go potty…with the tube...and bags….yeah. Someone has to do it. Hmph."

L hummed in agreement and stated without preamble, "Light-kun's catheters are changed at 6 am and 8 pm, which is in… five minutes. The supplies are in the hall closet of the hallway containing Light's cell. You should get going."

Matsuda froze again, not expecting it to be so soon—he didn't feel mentally prepared for this, darn it!

L cocked his head to the side, then abruptly dug in his pocket for something, "Ah, yes, the key, you'll need it—here." Matsuda numbly accepted the key.

The officer turned on his heel and walked like one of the dead towards the door, stumbling slightly when L's voice called out pointedly after him, "Don't let him do anything, and be sure not to hurt him—I'll be watching." Matsuda nodded again and lurched out of the room.

Out in the hallway, Matsuda took a deep breath, knowing what he had to do.

Fifteen minutes later, Matsuda returned to the monitoring room, a tray of coffee cups held in his hands.

END

*****

_Alternate ending time~!_

Matsuda nodded again and lurched out of the room.

Out in the hallway, Matsuda took a deep breath, knowing what he had to do.

One agonizing walk down to the containment cells in the basement later, and Matsuda was fumbling around blindly for the light-switch of the supply closet of the hallway containing Light's cell. Finally finding the switch, Matsuda squeaked, finding himself face-to-face with an AK47, leaning innocently in the corner. Stepping back hastily, Matsuda placed a hand to his pounding heart. '_What the heck does Watari think a supply closet is for, anyways?!'_ Matsuda thought uneasily. His heartbeat under control once more, the officer scanned the mass of cardboard boxes lining the shelves of the cramped closet, eyes landing on some ominously named ones; _morphine, chloroform, sanitary napkins. _Matsuda felt his eye twitch, glad he only had to take care of Light's bodily functions and not those of the restrained and blindfolded model—just the thought of her 'monthly time' sent him into spasms of fear. Moving on…

Moving aside some boxes carefully, he finally found what he was looking for; a box labeled clearly 'Catheters—Anal, Urinary.' Matsuda opened the box and grabbed two of each bag; knowing him, he'd probably mess up and rip a bag… Replacing the box, he also snatched a garbage bag and he took a deep breath, blowing it out loudly. No delaying it any longer… it had to be done. For the greater good. For the coffee!

Matsuda marched bravely down the hall towards the last cell on the left, the shining key held in tightly in one hand and clear plastic bags in the other. He reached the young genius' cell, and the auburn-haired teen there within, kneeling on the ground like always, looked up in surprise to see him there.

"Hey there Light, it's good to see you too." Matsuda managed, feeling more awkward by the second.

A genuine smile broke over Light's face, and he greeted the nervous officer happily, "H-Hey, I haven't seen you in a while! Wow, I wasn't expecting to see you here, Matsuda-san! How have you been? What are you doing down here?" The questions rushed out, and Matsuda felt a pang of sympathy for the secluded kid; he obviously missed interacting with others besides through an intercom and Watari, genius or no.

Matsuda smiled half-heartedly at the excited boy as he unlocked the cell door and stepped inside, re-pocketing the key. He awkwardly held up the plastic bags and said sheepishly, "Uh, I'm going to be changing your, uhm, catheters from now on."

The smile slipped off Light's face like egg-yoke off a doorknob, and his face turned a bright shade of magenta. Averting his eyes in clear embarrassment, Light mumbled, "Oh."

Matsuda winced internally, saddened at the extreme embarrassment and disappointment practically rolling off Light. Attempting to lighten the situation some for both their sakes, Matsuda laughed a bit unnaturally high and said cheerfully, "You know, I saw one of L's sucker's stuck in Aizawa's afro the other day!"

Light, clearly understanding what was going on and appreciative of it, smiled at the man as he approached and asked amusedly, "Really? How did it get there?"

Matsuda crouched down next to the teen and gently unfolded his legs from their kneeling position, "I think L threw it in his hair… Uhhhmmm, do you usually lay down, or…?" Matsuda asked unsurely, both of their faces stained a deep pink by now.

Light stared at the bars in front of his face diligently instead of the man next to him as he answered steadily, "I lie down on my back with my knees bent. Ah, why did

L throw his sucker in Aizawa's afro?"

Matsuda set the bags down next to him and helped the teen to lie down. Gingerly unfastening the dark jeans, Matsuda continued as calmly as he could, "Aizawa told L that sugar was bad for him." The pants gathered around the genius' knees, soon followed by his boxers.

His face turned toward a wall, Light said tensely, "Aizawa always says that. Why did it make any difference this time?"

"It was the tenth time that day he told him." Focusing first on the bag attached to the tube protruding cruelly from the boy's hip, Matsuda carefully untaped and removed the bag as the instructions on the clean bags indicated, placing it in the waiting garbage bag. Half done. Hurray~

"Oh, I bet that made him mad," Light replied easily.

Steeling himself, Matsuda went through the process of changing the urinary catheter bag in the same manner. "He, uh, didn't seem mad, but he did throw it in his hair; I saw it." Finally finished, Matsuda placed the second bag in the garbage bag.

"What did Aizawa do about it?" Light asked in a more easy voice as his garments were restored.

Matsuda helped Light back into a sitting position, "That's the best part—he never found out about it. It's still in his hair!" Light laughed, and Matsuda joined him after a moment.

Matsuda gathered the garbage bag and unused catheter bags. "Well, I suppose that's it. I'll see you in the morning, Light-kun." Matsuda said with a friendly smile.

Light smiled slightly and said earnestly, "Ah, thank you, Matsuda-san. Goodnight."

Matsuda's smiled turned a little sad, and he left, locking the cell behind him.

After a trip to the bathroom to wash his hands thoroughly, Matsuda walked into the workroom. L turned and gave him a smile that was much too creepy for his liking.

"Well-done, Matsuda-san," L stated smoothly, " Perhaps you should have considered a job in the nursing industry."

Matsuda nodded absentmindedly, distinctly depressed about the boy's situation. L turned back to the monitors showing video feed, and Matsuda quietly walked over to the bowl of brightly colored suckers, inspiration suddenly striking him…

END

*****

_Alternate ending 2 time!_

Matsuda stood nervously infront of Light's cell, and the young man there within looked up in surprise. His keen mind taking in the situation given the time of day and supplies in Matsuda's hands, Light asked awkwardly, "You…you aren't going to change my catheters, are you?"

Matsuda stood there for a moment, then abruptly turned away from the cell, stating, "Nope, I sure ain't."

In the monitoring room, L turned with a grin to Aizawa, Mogi, and Watari, "I was right, as always. Pay up." Numerous sweets were deposited into the detective's outstretched hands with many grumbles.

END

A/N: Well, there you have it! :D Yes, I went there… my mind goes where it ought not. .….' Not exactly wonderful when it comes to nightmares, to be sure, but nice for oddball fanfics. I've always thought that a catheter would be something L would use for Misa and Light; practical, mostly, and quite embarrassing.

I do not know the exact way to change catheters, so don't try it based off what I've written O.O. Having a former nurse as my mom does not make me one… If you still don't know or are curious as to what catheters are(there are different kinds), I've provided the general definition from (NOTE: the authoress does not own ):

*cath·e·ter   [kath-i-ter] Show IPA

–nounMedicine/Medical.

a flexible or rigid hollow tube employed to drain fluids from body cavities or to distend body passages, esp. one for passing into the bladder through the urethra to draw off urine or into the heart through a leg vein or arm vein for diagnostic examination


End file.
